


loving you is like...

by DreamPhonix



Series: love isn't easy, except sometimes it is [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Hurt Stiles, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Oblivious Derek, Sad, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 22:56:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3399365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamPhonix/pseuds/DreamPhonix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles loves Derek but knows Derek doesn’t love him back. So Stiles writes a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	loving you is like...

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I Do Do You?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/777785) by [Captain_Loki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Loki/pseuds/Captain_Loki). 



_~~Hey Derek~~ , ~~Sourwolf~~ , ~~Derek~~ Hey, _

 

_so, this is kinda awkward for me but I think I owe you an explanation for my behavior lately. I know that I’m a coward for not telling you this in person but I’m afraid of your reaction and I can’t bear to see the rejection in your eyes. Well, I could have called you but I’m afraid of that as well. So I’ll just stick with writing a letter. A bit old-fashioned, I know but it does its purpose. So yeah, I think I’m gonna start now._

_You know back when I thought I was in love with Lydia, I was … hurt, I guess. I was hurt because I knew that the person I liked didn’t like me back but I never gave up on her. I couldn’t. Like I was waiting for this one moment she’d realize that I was right there and had been for a long time. Because there was always that tiny little voice in the back of my mind that would tell me “Just wait, Stiles. There will be a day even Lydia Martin will notice you”.So I kept on loving her from afar because that was the only way I could love her in a romantic way._

_And over the years loving Lydia became a part of me. When you asked someone about me they’d just say: “Stiles? Isn’t that the dude who’s obsessed with Lydia Martin?”_

_I guess they would also call me weird and quirky but that’s beyond my point right now. Because I have always been quirky and stuff and while I can’t change that about me I do realize that it might be the one thing why most people avoid me. And it also might be the one thing why Lydia never fell in love with me but it isn’t important anymore anyway because even though loving Lydia was a part of me for a long time, I realized that I didn’t actually love her. Not really._

_I mean, I do love her, in a friendly kinda way but love her as in she is it for me? No. Well, I think I did love her back in the beginning of my crush but it changed over the years. My feelings they just, they cooled down, I guess. Don’t get me wrong, Lydia is beautiful and all and she’ll always be special to me but I don’t love her. Not anymore at least. It just was comforting to think that there might be someone one day, someone who I loved and loved me back. And the moment I realized that I wasn’t in love with Lydia was kinda shocking but it made me realize another thing too._

_That I was indeed not in love with Lydia but that I was in love with someone else instead. Someone equally clever and magnificent and breathtakingly gorgeous. Someone who was even more out of my league than her. That I was – am – in love with you, Derek, and it scared the shit out of me. Not because I was in love with a guy or that I was gay or bisexual but because now I had gone and fell in love with a person whom I knew could never, ever love be back. And it hurts. It hurts so much to know that you are right there besides me but you couldn’t be further away._

_It hurts even more than loving Lydia because at least with her I could dream of some stupid sappy relationship I totally knew we would never have. But with you I can’t even do that because you are you and I am me ~~and I feel really pathetic right now~~ and you kinda hate me and I have never in my entire life wished more for being someone else because than there might be a slight chance you could like me. _

_But loving you was never the worst part about it. I never regretted falling in love with you and I never will. The worst part about everything is to know that you don’t feel the same way as I feel for you. The worst part is not loving **you** but loving a person I can never have. I don’t blame you for not liking me. Hell, I didn’t blame Lydia for not liking me even though I’ve liked her for like forever. But I can’t really compare you and Lydia because my feelings for Lydia were not even in the slightest bit as intense as my feelings for you. _  
_Still, even though it hurts, it’s a good hurt. Like the clench your heart makes when you are really happy. A constant pull around your heart that keeps you going, that drives you mad with want and happiness and hurt and uncertainty all at the same time until your heart feels like it bursts out your chest at any moment. You make me so happy even without noticing it._  
 _Loving you is like loving the sun or moon. You know it leads to nothing but that doesn’t stop you from yearning for a beautiful sunset anyway. It’s bright and painful and somehow it will always be an unrequited love but I just can’t help myself. ~~You are like the moon~~. You are my moon. You are the clench around my heart, Derek. You drive me mad and I love you. God, I love you, I love you so much and even though I’m just seventeen I already know that I won’t ever love someone the way I love you. _  
_And the funny part about it is that I still want to love you. That I wouldn’t give you up for the world. I know, it’s stupid and it hurts and it will always hurt but it’s so, **so** good. _

_You might think I’m stupid for telling you all this but I wanted, no, I needed you to know how I feel about you, especially after everything that want down the past few month. With the alpha pack. With Jennifer. With Allison and Aiden… With me. And it almost seems like I feel obligated to write you this letter. Not to beg for you love but to let you know that I do. You deserve all the happiness in the world, Derek and I wish that someday you’ll find someone who loves you and who you can love back. Someone who shows you what a wonderful person you are, who you’ll have a home and a family, a pack with. I wish you all that and more Derek. And I’m sorry. Not for loving you, obviously, but causing you problems and pain. I never wanted that. Well, not anymore at least. I didn’t mean to fall for you, but I did and I can’t change it now, although I know that you don’t love me back. That’s why I never wanted to tell you about my feelings in the first place. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore._

_Love_

_Stiles_

Derek laid the letter back on the table. The paper was rumbled from folding and unfolding the piece of paper but Derek couldn’t help himself. No matter how many times he read the letter, it still said the same thing. The words didn’t suddenly change infront of Derek’s eyes. They said the same thing since Derek first read the letter. Stiles loved him. _Stiles loved him_.

 

Fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> so I wrote this about a year ago and I finally, finally know how to continue it. :D comments are always welcomed ;)


End file.
